last night in vancouver

After a while

After a while

you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't always promises

and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn

with every good-bye you learn.

-Veronica A. Shoffstall

touches on a few too many cliches, yet seems to be perfectly fitting right now. as some of you know, i've been sick for the past few days with the flu or something. being sick makes me really long for home and therefore the recent days have been a little tough. i haven't felt sad for a long time actually and i thought i was over it. but i think i'm starting to realize that it will never go away. i'm too attached to home and all the things that constitute that word for me. i no longer think of this as a negative thing because it reminds me how much love i have for my family and friends and dogs and city. my mom is thinking about coming to visit sooner than may...maybe next week! part of me loves this idea and part of me wants to be able to get through this by myself and not fall back on privilege, yet again.

i'm feeling a lot better today and the sun is shining and i think spring has officially arrived! don't want to jinx anything of course...today i broke the news to sidonie that i will only be staying for six months which takes me until august 8th. mike's wedding is on the 22nd so i'm hoping to do a bit of travelling in between. i know i'll be coming back to europe once my citizenship is finally processed so i don't feel like i'm missing out on anything by coming home after only six months.

i'm really looking forward to moving back home to vancouver come the end of august or beginning of september and starting a new chapter of my life (yes, this means i won't be coming to montreal...sorry to you all - of course there will be a visit in store when the bank account makes room for it!). i'm really feeling ready to have my own place and to cook and to craft and to read and to run and maybe learn to sew? and to have friends over for dinner or for afternoon tea/hot coco. and to actually put photos in frames and hang them on the wall. and to buy a big comfy blanket for the couch that i don't have. wow, sounds like i'm really ready to settle down?!

some sad news. one of my sister's good friends, Oliver Matthew, has been given a few weeks to live. he was diagnosed with cancer in the fall and had been doing really well lately so this news came as quite a shock. rach is home from uvic now to spend time with him and some of their friends are flying in from montreal and london. she said he is just so terrified right now. this seems to be happening way too often lately - lives lost far too early.

on a lighter note, i want to give my brother some special attention. he has been working so hard lately and is doing such a good job. he works 14 hour days during the week at his school and holds a part time job on the weekends in order to support himself. he handles about 90% of the teaching at the school and since erina's been home in sapporo for the past few weeks he has been doing all the cooking and cleaning too! and yet he still finds the time to call me every few days. i'm a lucky sister. he's probably one of the most motivated people i know.

my camera is dead and i still have to buy an adapter so i can't put any photos up yet. but i will soon!

movie recommendation: Tom Ford's 'A Single Man'

wearing a watch

wearing a watch has made my life better. in the future having a floor to ceiling, wall to wall bookshelf with a ladder will also do the same i think. and candles everywhere. three things that make me happy.

i'm so sad today but for a different reason this time.
today it's because of this.
i think this is the first time i will grieve somebody i've never met.
my heart hurts.

home

i can't seem to get enough of this song lately. the official music video is here but i really love how much fun they appear to be having in this live performance on letterman. also another song i like by them is janglin.

i'm feeling a little better today. yesterday was the first time i felt really alone. i always knew that feeling would come - and will be back - but it still caught me off guard. it's strange, i don't even know what's different about today but my sadness has faded. i suppose this song is pretty appropriate.

i went to a fantastic flea market today with oscar and jet. you have to take a passenger ferry to get there and it was in this huge warehouse just near where the ferry lets you out. unfortunately the warehouse wasn't heated so we were freezing, in fact i still am, two hours later. because of the cold (and the size of the place) we only ended up getting to see about half the goods so i'll definitely be going back sometime soon. here's a pick of my prizes...a maroon leather bag, a tin box with an owl on it, a fan broach and lastly two miniature packages of black and white photographs of amsterdam - the best!


i went to the town phil's from on friday. it's called wassenaar and it's actually quite near to the hague which is where i initially got a job as an au pair. weird to think about where i'd be right now had i taken that job instead. anyway it was a really nice day; his friend louise came along too. we went to the beach, watched his brother's basketball game and had a nice big family dinner.


lauren - it's comforting to think about you reading a story about me. and thanks april and jess too for being so loving xxoo

i'm having a really sad day.

loneliness is sort of inescapable in a city where no one actually knows you. i miss being around people that i'm completely comfortable with. i take too long to open up. i cried to myself while i walked through the park with hunter this morning. i felt a bit better afterward. but now, if i let my mind wander, i cant hold them back. the worst part is not being able to call anybody because of the time difference. the only person that would be awake is my brother but my phone won't let me call japan. hopefully i feel better soon; writing this actually just made it worse so i'm going to click publish post now.

you know when you bring something on a trip and you think to yourself, 'i'm so glad i brought that thing' because it turns out to be so right for where you are? well that thing for me is flopsy. my bunny from my younger years that i recently rediscovered, tucked away in an old wooden box in my basement. it was a pleasant discovery; although, i didn't realize how quickly or seriously i would become reattached to him - especially since i've never really been a stuffy person. in fact, i almost forgot to pack him. he's down to one eye but other than that he's perfectly intact and sufficiently able to keep me feeling warm and safe.

show and tell

i figure some of you may be curious about my living quarters so i've taken some photos of my room to share with you. unfortunately the windows - my favorite part - cannot be shown right now because my curtains are drawn to keep out the cold. but i've managed to document the rest. quite a few ikea items and don't miss the dutch tulips on my bedspread. you may especially enjoy my alien night side table lamp.

the birth of vicky

a new country. a new home. a new family. and with it all comes a new name: vicky.

Before I arrived I was skeptical about this new name the boys had started calling me, but now, it feels next to normal. With their lovely Dutch tongue it sounds more like a mix between "ficky" and "feeky" - much better than "icky vicky" which is what my mom successfully dodged throughout my early years. It's sort of weird how normal it feels actually. I thought I could never be a vicky. And don't get me wrong, none of you can call me that. I'm still TOR. Forever. But it's just interesting how quickly I've grown accustomed to such a thing that I thought I was so opposed to. Circumstances play a large role of course.

I've finally got wireless in my room which means the net will be seeing a whole lot more of me in the weeks to come. I had such a weird first few days without having a phone or access to the internet. I hate to admit it, but I'm absolutely hooked on being connected. I always thought I was one who could do without such technologies for some time, but in their absence my dependence was undeniable. On the bright side I think this absence helped put off my longing for home because I didn't have to face the words "I miss you" or see the faces that I am without. In a way I sort of felt numb. Plus, I was jet lagged and overwhelmed with all the stimulants of my new environment, not entirely myself. [Upon reflection, I can now see why the vicky transition has gone so smoothly...]

Life in Amsterdam is starting to get really good. Today was the first day of contact with people my own age and it was incredibly wonderful. Tomorrow I have plans with more people my age and even the next day too! Things are looking up. I'm really happy to be here and can't wait to start feeling completely comfortable in my new home..I hope that day comes.

Now I'd like to share some of the beauty this tiny city holds.

This was part of my secret santa present from Adi -a slide containing cells undergoing mitosis. It's beautiful and I love it.

A room with a view. I woke up on Sunday morning to a city covered in snow. This rooftop terrace is right off my bedroom and looks out onto a courtyard of gardens - lucky me.

I love to stroll around and let my eyes wander into the abundantly large windows that seem to so graciously invite passers by in.


Vondelpark is about 10 minutes away by foot. A perfect place for jogging and running Hunter [whom I suppose I shall introduce...].


Hunter on top and Dottie (pronounced 'doe-tee') underneath. Both very sweet although Hunter proved to be a better model. Part of my job is to be in charge of the dogs, which of course, I love.

I found a really yummy tomato soup at a cafe around the corner called B&B Lunchroom. It came with a scoop of fresh pesto and small pieces of mozzarella inside, what a treat! But I was both shocked and amazed upon approaching the cashier...€6.50! Not sure I'll be having it again.

This city feels so alive and full of energy. That's where I'll leave it for now, slaap lekker.