Thursday, June 3, 2010

this and that

i've sort of been neglecting my blog for a while. i don't really know why; i think it has to do with being overwhelmed by how many photos i still have to upload. how silly is that? i have somehow turned this into an obligation when it' supposed to be far from that. here is the turning point. i don't care if i'm behind in uploading photos. i'll do it when the time is right. for now i will ramble instead.

i'm lying on my couch right now, feeling a little under the weather. had a weird sleep last night, woke up many times during the night in a delirious panic. every swallow hurt like hell and required a serious effort. it probably didn't help that i started watching eva's celebration of love as i was falling asleep. lesson learned: don't do something that makes you really upset right before you drift into dreamland.

lately i've been feeling like my job has been a serious inconvenience. i'm so sick of my random hours and never knowing for sure when i have time off. i'm also getting frustrated with the job itself. one part of it in particular has been driving me up the wall. the feeling of complete powerlessness is not a good one and i'm just so glad to know that the end is near. but it's a bitter sweet feeling because though i'm wishing away my days of work, i don't want to be wishing away my days in amsterdam. i'm starting to feel a bit weary about leaving here and returning to vancouver. for a while i was so excited about it all but as it draws nearer i'm starting to worry that i've idealized the whole thing. i'm worrying about how much money i'm going to have left by that time, i'm worrying about finding a job that i love and i'm worrying about falling back into the same old lifestyle in which i seem to get nothing done despite my to do lists continuing to grow. i don't know where these thoughts are getting me but i can't seem to shake them. they've got me considering other (unrealistic) options like moving to london or perhaps even coming back to amsterdam. irrational passion does have the ability to create positive change after all (emily!), so maybe i should just go with it.

i'm literally half asleep right now so i think i should stop writing. i have a feeling i'll read over this tomorrow and realize it doesn't make much sense. we'll see.


emfish said...

Im so glad you checked seth's blog post! (that's where you got that from, right?). Your feelings are so normal!! And legit!! Maybe try to imagine your life there but without your job. Complete power in your hands. It may be as over-rated as coming home has seemed like for the past 5 months. :)

Clark said...

Tor, i feel you. my heart and mind have been playing funny games lately. i say go with it as well, embrace!
also, of all these options no mention of montreal!!!
tisk tisk