After a while

After a while

you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't always promises

and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn

with every good-bye you learn.

-Veronica A. Shoffstall

touches on a few too many cliches, yet seems to be perfectly fitting right now. as some of you know, i've been sick for the past few days with the flu or something. being sick makes me really long for home and therefore the recent days have been a little tough. i haven't felt sad for a long time actually and i thought i was over it. but i think i'm starting to realize that it will never go away. i'm too attached to home and all the things that constitute that word for me. i no longer think of this as a negative thing because it reminds me how much love i have for my family and friends and dogs and city. my mom is thinking about coming to visit sooner than may...maybe next week! part of me loves this idea and part of me wants to be able to get through this by myself and not fall back on privilege, yet again.

i'm feeling a lot better today and the sun is shining and i think spring has officially arrived! don't want to jinx anything of course...today i broke the news to sidonie that i will only be staying for six months which takes me until august 8th. mike's wedding is on the 22nd so i'm hoping to do a bit of travelling in between. i know i'll be coming back to europe once my citizenship is finally processed so i don't feel like i'm missing out on anything by coming home after only six months.

i'm really looking forward to moving back home to vancouver come the end of august or beginning of september and starting a new chapter of my life (yes, this means i won't be coming to montreal...sorry to you all - of course there will be a visit in store when the bank account makes room for it!). i'm really feeling ready to have my own place and to cook and to craft and to read and to run and maybe learn to sew? and to have friends over for dinner or for afternoon tea/hot coco. and to actually put photos in frames and hang them on the wall. and to buy a big comfy blanket for the couch that i don't have. wow, sounds like i'm really ready to settle down?!

some sad news. one of my sister's good friends, Oliver Matthew, has been given a few weeks to live. he was diagnosed with cancer in the fall and had been doing really well lately so this news came as quite a shock. rach is home from uvic now to spend time with him and some of their friends are flying in from montreal and london. she said he is just so terrified right now. this seems to be happening way too often lately - lives lost far too early.

on a lighter note, i want to give my brother some special attention. he has been working so hard lately and is doing such a good job. he works 14 hour days during the week at his school and holds a part time job on the weekends in order to support himself. he handles about 90% of the teaching at the school and since erina's been home in sapporo for the past few weeks he has been doing all the cooking and cleaning too! and yet he still finds the time to call me every few days. i'm a lucky sister. he's probably one of the most motivated people i know.

my camera is dead and i still have to buy an adapter so i can't put any photos up yet. but i will soon!

movie recommendation: Tom Ford's 'A Single Man'